Well, the Great Northern BFA UK Pool Championships have been and gone, and they’ve left trailing behind the enormous question of- what does success mean in freediving?
Officially, my competition was an enormous success- two clean dives, two white cards, and the UK Women’s Bronze podium place. I have 60+ likes and counting on Facebook attesting to the achievement. Taken at face value, as my non-dive friends and family are, what an incredible success! Third in the UK in pool freediving! I’m thrilled, and shocked.
Numbers: Times, Depths and Distances
On the one hand, I want to shout and jump up and down and giggle and tell the world. On the other, I’m scared of appearing foolish for making a huge fuss over a very mediocre performance that won bronze mostly by chance rather than pushing out some big numbers. It’s these two contradictory ideas of success, of rankings and performance, which got me wondering about all the different ways of describing it.
See, to base achievement on the numbers themselves is where the notion of success starts to go awry. Numbers will either increase pressure on yourself, reducing relaxation and therefore efficiency, or they will never be enough to make you happy. You’ll either fight to achieve them- raising potential safety issues if you ignore your body- beat yourself up if you don’t make it, or run the risk of forgetting to appreciate what you have achieved.
I really do wonder if numbers to be far too definite, objective and reductive for such a subtle and intricate concept as success. I placed third- that number is a very definite measure of success. But why do I not feel successful? I’m hung up on my numbers compared to those of others who were, in my mind, more deserving, and the circumstances that led there.
There’s a persistent , quiet voice at the back of my mind trying its best to detract from my win. The odds were in my favour- there was only a handful of UK women entered. It’s lucky none of the girls from my club came along who have phenomenal breath holds. My idol, who would normally breeze her way into a podium spot, got caught out by a red card losing half her points. The only reason I placed third is due to a few unfortunate disqualifications by a number of far better athletes. Isn’t it?
I’ve been turning these thoughts over and over in my head since the moment they announced my name- I don’t deserve this little trophy! They’re going to ask for it back! Someone’s going to say I’m a fraud, that I got lucky! I wanted to shout no, you’ve made a mistake, as I walked up to collect it.
“They”, that mysterious imaginary entity, would be entirely correct in saying I did get lucky- in a way. Lucky the others had a bad day, and that I had a good one, and that there weren’t so many tough opponents.
Skill and Strategy
But then again, there’s that fantastic saying about how you create your own luck: I planned my dives, and dived my plans, stayed within my relaxation limits, and was rewarded with two clean dives. Other athletes made mistakes that resulted in red cards, for a whole variety of reasons to which I am not privy.
There’s so much more to freediving than the hold or the swim or the dive- it’s how you deal with any nerves, how you manage your expectations, how you mentally and physically prepare in the hours before. There’s an element of strategy in planning how far, deep, or long you’ll announce your performance before the event, and trying to predict how you might feel on the day and manage that. Even the smallest detail can throw you off and totally affect the outcome of your dive.
My two dives were well-planned, taking into account my current ability, factoring in my competition nerves, and reducing pressure on myself with low announced performances. My preparation was designed to focus on some physical niggles in my hips and lower back, and to deal with any lack of confidence. The whole sequence went relatively smoothly and we hit no major issues, and my agitante was an absolute dream. I checked in with myself throughout the day, and went into my dives mindfully.
The result was two white cards- two safe dives, well within my personal limits, and scoring the maximum points they could given the times and distances.
Looking at the dives on paper, they were good quality, textbook dives: two solid performances I can be proud of. They were a technical success, where others had unfortunate mistakes and were disqualified, and ultimately that was enough for me to claim third place.
Feelings and Mindfulness
Successful physical and mental preparation leads to enjoyment of the dive itself, or at least the sense of satisfaction afterward. If you come up from a dive and you are pleased with yourself or it felt good- that’s another success.
After the prize giving, everyone was milling around and offering congratulations. But personally, the two stand-out moments for me were not from congratulations on third place, but for the quality and feeling of my dive. The judge who watched my Static told me mine was one of the most graceful dives he’d seen, while the safety diver made a point of coming over to tell me how I was her favourite diver of the day for smiling and clearly enjoying it.
I think a big key to feeling good about your diving is really being present in the moment, taking in everything about the dive and giving it your full awareness- there’s so much going on, to tune into your body during a dive is like listening to a symphony with all its layers and complexities. I find that fascinating.
I measure success on how relaxed and enjoyable the dive was, and I was delighted to find it showed to those around me, even divers who don’t know me and my style. Enjoyment and fun seem to be rare in competition, but to me they seem a significant indicator of quality- there’s a reason my own club’s competitions award podium places to the most relaxed or happiest dives, rather than based on numbers. It’s so much more skilful to see an athlete mindfully work through their contractions and settle back down than to see someone fight for each second of their hold.
Consistency over time
With all that said, you can’t judge success only on one dive, or one competition, or one anything. Two quotes have been coming up a lot lately in my reading, watching, and conversations: “If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants”, and “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” Now, while they refer to greater matters of civil rights and scientific discovery, I feel the concept is the same- the present moment is only one of many on a continuum. Always progressing forward, today stands on the shoulders of yesterday, and lays the foundations for tomorrow.
With that in mind, then, a competition or a dive is simply a snapshot of time. I do feel like there were other, (consistently) better athletes competing yesterday who should have placed- but the results really do just come down to what happened on the day. My times and distances are, to be honest, mediocre in comparison to the majority of athletes present on Sunday. I think the fact I recognise there are other athletes who probably deserved to win more if only things had gone to plan speaks volumes about the nature of success- it’s based less on one performance and more on consistency, reliability, building up that reputation dive after dive.
It’s about taking today’s dive and using it to improve tomorrow’s, whether it was good or bad there is always something that can be taken away and learned from. Of course, the athletes I admire most have the ability to take a (perceived) failure and forge it into a shiny new gem of experience that they can treasure for a long time afterward.
It’s with that thought I look to the future. It’s been an amazing learning opportunity to take part in the competition alongside some truly world class athletes, and to watch how they prepare, compete, and even deal with difficulty and disappointment. There are so many different styles to competitive freediving, and I think I’m a step closer to finding my own. The best part of the weekend was discovering what I need to go away and train and work on, in order to improve my own confidence and ability (clue- it involves mindfulness).
Success is complicated. You can feel good and bad about a performance at the same time, and it’s all equally valid. It’s what makes us celebrate where we are, while still working to improve. And I can’t wait to see what the next challenge is.